Monday, January 16, 2012

Just 12 really terrible movies

I'm not qualified to make a definitive 'worst of' list for films, because I generally avoid seeing them.

There is no point to this post, just like there is no point to the movies I am about to mention.  There are some movies that are just plain terrible because they have a horrible director, actors, script, vision or budget, but that isn't necessarily what I am talking about here.  What really makes a movie truly terrible goes beyond all that criteria and crosses a line that is difficult to define.  We will never all agree on what is good and what is bad, but these are all terrible wastes of space in the history of mankind.

In my life I consider myself fortunate to have been selective in the movies I choose to watch, because I tend to see so many I do my best to avoid those that appear to have that certain horrible quality to them.  With that said, some fall through the cracks and I suffer the consequences. Just a note because I have probably failed to see so so so many terrible ones, I can only go off what I know.

I'm going to break my own self-imposed rule that no truly terrible film can include hot chicks with or without clothes, a belief I have long held onto with a vice grip because I have been delusional and I am a straight male.  Yes they make the movie slightly less repulsive to watch, but even their lovely skin cannot stop the cringe inducing feelings that wash over you upon viewing.

Showgirls (1995)

The girl from Saved By The Bell who was 'so excited! excited!!' after popping those nasty caffeine pills in order to study decided to not only break free of her good girl teen typecast but to break free of all that is holy, including her clothes and dignity.  Containing some of the absolute worst dialogue ever scripted, this movie about a mysterious young woman who comes to Las Vegas and works a pole like none other can only be considered one of the laughably worst movies ever made, even after seeing about 50 times, which I have.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Any Michael Bay film is sure to be horrific, but this one trumps them all.  With a reported budget of $200,000,000 the film has grossed over $800,000,000 worldwide, and all I can say is, WHAT THE FUCK?  Bay has given us his best use of the 'Screw you' to everyone with this piece of trash sequel to an already bad movie.  Not only does Megan Fox have absolutely zero reason to be in the film, other than running in white pants in slow motion (thank you Michael Bay, for that) but there are horrific scenes of robot like things smashing metal together with neck-hair raising sounds that make it all but impossible to actually watch anything that is happening.  Even a teenage boy should realize quickly that this is a giant load of crap.  Thankfully for Bay, he makes tons of cash off these things, so even though his soul will rot in hell, he will have a fun time getting there.

The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

The original film was unique in many ways, and though I am not a big fan of it in general, I appreciate it for what it was and understand the appeal.  The sequels, and especially this one, are just so laughably bad that I actually lack the command of language to describe why.  If you've never seen this one, forget it exists, for how a team of people could screw up so badly for so much money is beyond me.

Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)

Hey! They're on a boat! A slow, slow boat.  Not a bus.  Way to phone it in for a paycheck everyone involved in the making of this thing, whatever you want to call it.

Wild Wild West (1999)

I can't say for certain if this deserves to be in the worst of ever list, because I couldn't stand to watch any more of it than I did, which may have only been about 1/3 of the film.  Do yourself a favor and forget I ever mentioned it.  It doesn't exist.

Nothing But Trouble (1991)

I remember seeing this movie with a star studded cast the year it was released, when I was 13 years old, and I have never seen it again, but that fact that Chevy Chase, Dan Akroyd, Demi Moore and John Candy could make a movie that has left a lifelong stain in my memory is a testament to just how awful a movie this must have been, since I have blocked out all memory of it.

Caddyshack 2 (1988)

Never in all the history of all of cinema has a sequel gone so wrong.  I don't even know where to begin with this one, but 8 years after one of the greatest comedy films ever made, we were given Jackie Mason as Jack Hartounian, a loud mouth outsider trying to fit into a country club setting.  Every single thing that made the original film so wonderful is gone and turned into nothing short of eye-stabbing attempts at typical late 80s comedy.  I want to hit myself in the nuts with an 8 iron just thinking about this one.

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (1999)

There was never a doubt in my mind that these 3 'prequels' by George 'fuck you fans' Lucas were going to suck.  I knew it from the first leaked shots and the first trailers.  And then we get Jar Jar Binks and Jake Lloyd.  Now there is a case to be made that the second one, Attack of the Clones or whatever, is the worst of the 3, but this is the one that started it all, so I think it sucks the worst.  I have absolutely nothing positive to say about anything to do with anything to do with this entire film.  All the actors, even the 'good ones', sucked.  The dialogue is laughable at best.  The CGI is so lame it made me want to puke.  The great chase scenes?  I mean, how can anyone who has seen the original trilogy think anything about these films is even remotely watchable is beyond me.  This was George Lucas making money, period.  He says he always had a vision for these, always wanted to complete them as 6 or 9 parts.  When he finally had a chance to complete his masterpiece what does he do with it? He bends us all over and goes to work.  Fuck you Lucas and your Me Sir Jar Jar Binks!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Somehow somebody convinced Harrison Ford to follow up his previous 3 decent films (I mean, Raiders of the Lost Ark was awesome and the other two were watchable) with this tremendous piece of crap.  Not only is the plot beyond absurd, but the editing is choppy and any attempt at special effects is lol-tastic.  Shia Labeouf is simply a terrible actor, and this film highlights everything that is wrong with him, in every way possible.  Nice paychecks for everyone I assume, but I can't believe Spielberg attached his name as a director to this project.

2012 (2009)

I generally like John Cusack, but this action movie about the impending doom of the world is so absurdly bad that I found myself dreaming about Better Off Dead during the middle of it.  You know, when times were good for John.  The greatest part of this movie is when the step dad sacrifices himself to not only save the world in general, but allowing John to get back with his family, in a nice and convenient wrap up to a totally lame and long ass movie.

Amazing Grace and Chuck (1987)

I can't do any better than this write up I found online:

Talk about a weird one This feels like a movie from the '70s, but it came out in 1987. Chuck is a little kid living in Montana. He tours a nuclear silo one day, and decides that he's not going to pitch for his Little League team until nuclear weapons are disarmed.
He's joined by Boston Celtics star "Amazing Grace" Smith (NBA player Alex English), and several other professional athletes. 
For having such heavyweights as Gregory Peck and Jamie Lee Curtis in it, Chuck misses the mark in a big way. Even English looks bored during the basketball scenes. 
The original film is a classic, a simply amazing achievement in film.  The follow up is good, and it leaves us with satisfaction.  The 3rd film is funny and has Mr T.  The 4th film blows pretty much, but we get a nice montage of training in the Russian woods.  Even the 6th Rocky film is watchable.  But Rocky V? With Tommy Morrison as Tommy 'Machine' Gunn?  This is up there with Caddyshack 2 as the worst sports themed sequel of all time, and I'm only saying it isn't quite as bad because of the hilarious portrayal of promoter George 'Washington' Duke, played by Richard Grant.

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