Sunday, September 5, 2010

A movie review: Machete (2010)

Machete (2010)

Directors - Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis
105 min; R
Danny Trejo - Machete
Robert De Niro - Sen. McLaughlin
Jessica Alba - Sartan
Steven Seagal - Torrez
Michelle Rodriguez - Luz
Jeff Fahey - Booth
Cheech Marin - Padr
Don Johnson - Lt. Stillman
Lindsay Lohan - April

The cast credits are long and inviting and the new film Machete does not disappoint if what you are out for a good time with a cheesy movie. In fact, this is one of the best bad movies I've seen in a long time and that is precisely the point.

A few things you will not find in this film: A believable story line; Solid acting; Great cinematography.

A few things you will find in this film: General awesomeness everywhere you look; Lindsay Lohan naked; Jessica Alba so close to naked you will strain your neck trying to see if it could possibly be true; Danny Trejo decapitating more people with a machete than you could ever think possible; Robert De Niro in an absolutely terrible role; Cheech Marin (need I say more?); and last, but not least, ever, Steven 'F-ing' Seagal.

Summing up the movie would seem to be no fun, but when you get to write a line like "Machete (Trejo) is an ex Mexican cop who finds himself in America illegally after his family is killed by a Mexican drug lord (Seagal) and offered money to kill a Texas senator (De Niro) who is platforming on tough illegal immigration laws, and along the way he kills about 300 people with every weapon he can find, including gardening tools, and just so happens to sleep with every smoking hot chick on the planet including Rodriguez, Alba and Lohan (along with her character's mother) all while trying to get revenge on DON JOHNSON's! character and asking the help of an old gun toting priest (Cheech!) all in the name of ultimately confronting the evil Mexican druglord Torrez (Did I already say Seagal?!) - well I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it.

The film has been called a Mexploitation piece in the same vein of the old Blaxpoitation films, and it is well justified. The film is crude and vulgar and funny in all the right places. Do not go to this movie if you are uptight or not looking for a good time. Everyone else, definitely see it.

(I withhold any type of rating on a normal scale for this film. It is too awesome for that)

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